Teen Titans Christmas Chaos
by nightwire
Summary: Various Teen Titans holiday adventures! (Probably okay for all ages, but rated T for occasional scenes of extremely extreme horror violence.) (But not serious horror violence, just happy fun horror violence.) (So it's probably okay.) (Merry Christmas!)
1. Chapter 1

**(This version originally created for TGNMemory Teen Titans Forum.)**

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**"The Night Before Christmas" **

**(in Jump City)**

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'Twas the night before Christmas...

and inside the Tower

Beast Boy is crying

'cause his tofu is sour

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Young Princess Starfire

is up in the attic

Hanging up tinsel

and getting ecstatic

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Raven is snuggled

scrunched up, in her bed

As visions of tea-bags

Dance through her strange head

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Cyborg is watching

a Peanuts cartoon

and when Snoopy licks Linus

he laughs, like a loon

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Robin is sleeping

sound in his bunk

He lies on his back

and snores, like a skunk

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When down in the rec room

There resounds a great clatter!

Robin leaps from his lair

to see what is the matter

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Robin slips on his slippers

and scampers out quick

He bounds down the staircase

with his old whup-ass stick

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Robin runs to the rec room

in darkness, pitch-black

He spies a strange shadow

and he gives it a whack

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Beast Boy comes running

in frenzy and fright

he yells "What's up, Robin?"

and he turns on the light

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Poor Robin shrieks

and then shrieks, some more

as he gapes at the figure

lying prone, on the floor

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Says Beast Boy "I think

I am going to be sick...

Nice going, Robin -

you just murdered Saint Nick!"

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"I just slaughtered Santa!"

Robin loudly lamented

"I bashed in his noggin!

... I must be demented!"

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Says Beast Boy "Well Robin,

That was not nice, but naughty.

There's just one thing to do

We must hide the body!"

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So the boys pick up Santa

and his old Christmas pouch

and they stuff the old fellow

right under the couch

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But the others run in

and see what's about

and Starfire does howl

and Cyborg does shout

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Then Raven pokes Santa

with the point of her shoe

And she has an idea

yes, she knows what to do

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Says Raven "This geezer

is not yet quite dead

We could soon fix him up

with some duct tape, and thread"

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So the Titans all hurry

to patch Santa's cranium

Robin smears on some glue

Cyborg slaps on titanium

.

Soon Santa is better

the Titans decided

His head is repaired now

... if somewhat lopsided

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Well, Santa wakes up -

and at great length, he speaks

He says "What's going on here?

Who the hell are you freaks?"

.

Says Rae "We're the Titans

and we're good girls and boys

we just saved your life

... so give us some toys!"

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And Robin and Beast Boy

grab the old Christmas sack

as they dump out the presents

Santa yells "Put that back!"

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But the Titans ignore him

as they divide up their loot

and Santa screams like a banshee

(Yeah, like they give a hoot)

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And Santa is swearing

as he staggers outside

to escape from Jump City

with a quick reindeer ride

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Robin yells "We're just kidding!

We all beg your pardon!"

... Santa makes a rude gesture

as he crawls through the garden

.

And they hear him exclaim

as he climbs over the wall

"If you're still here next year

you'll get nothing at all!"


	2. Chapter 2

(This version originally created for Teen Titans Forum TGNMemory.)

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(Play.)

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**A Very Beast Boy Christmas**

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Robin stared at the large grey package on the kitchen table in stunned disbelief.

"Beast Boy, is that a _tofu_ turkey?" Robin demanded.

"Actually, it's a _simulated _tofu turkey," Beast Boy said, "almost as good, and a lot cheaper. I really saved us a bundle on this bird. And it's jam-packed with minerals and vitamins, they're all listed on the label. And the texture is almost exactly like the real thing, they make it out of reconstituted kelp, walnuts and turnip. Very tasty."

Robin sighed, and shook his head. "I ask you to do one thing, _one thing_, and you manage to screw it up. Now what are we supposed to do for Christmas dinner tomorrow? It's too late to get reservations anywhere."

"Looks like we'll be celebrating Christmas dinner at Denny's," Cyborg muttered, "or the Holiday Inn buffet, or the cafeteria at the damn bus station. That is, unless we want to stay here, and choke down the Green Goblin's prefabricated seaweed slime-bird."

"But I was doing a good thing!" Beast Boy protested, "You guys are always saying that we have to try to save money. This turkey was less than a third the price of a real one."

"And you're the only one of us who could ever eat this godawful monstrosity," Raven jeered, "Way to ruin Christmas, Beast Boy."

"But, but I was only trying to do a good thing," Beast Boy said despairingly, "I really was trying to do a good thing."

"Beast Boy, you should not have deviated from your assigned instructions." Starfire said sternly.

"But Star, I thought you guys would be happy!" Beast Boy bleated.

"Yeah, happy to be stuck with an unbelievable bonehead like you," snapped Cyborg, "Come on, let's leave Beast Boy alone, with his not-quite tofu pseudo-turkey."

Raven, Cyborg, Robin and Starfire stalked out of the kitchen.

Beast Boy sat down at the kitchen table, and buried his face in his hands.

"I was just trying to do a good thing," he moaned softly, "I didn't mean any harm, I was just trying to do a good thing..."

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(The next morning, 8am Christmas Day.)

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Starfire, Robin, Cyborg and Raven walked downstairs. They was a steady clatter of pots and pans coming from the kitchen, and the atmosphere was rich with the aroma of various cooking smells. Beast Boy stepped out of the kitchen, and walked toward his fellow Titans. His tunic was spattered with flour, and he looked like he had been awake all night.

"Please step this way." Beast Boy said, as he walked in the direction of the dining room. The other Titans followed him.

"Beast Boy, what the heck have you..." Robin started to ask.

"I spent last night searching every store in the county," Beast Boy interjected, "and I finally found a real turkey. The finest in all the land, a huge and wondrous Christmas turkey. I've been up all night, cooking and baking. But don't worry, the turkey will be cooked in time for dinner tonight."

Beast Boy led them into the dining room. The table had been set and decorated with china and linen and a Yuletide centrepiece.

"Christmas breakfast will be served, shortly." Beast Boy said, and he vanished into the hall.

The other Titans sat down at the table, and unfolded their napkins.

"I wonder what he's up to." Robin said.

"Knowing Beast Boy, we should all brace ourselves for something utterly underwhelming." Raven grumped.

After a couple of minutes, Beast Boy reappeared, pushing a giant stainless steel serving cart laden with dozens of dishes and containers. He speedily began unloading the cart onto the table, listing the items as he set them down.

"We have fried eggs, poached eggs, coddled eggs, omelets, scotch eggs, soft-boiled eggs, crepes, pancakes, waffles, toast, french toast, muffins, scones, english muffins, croissants, crumpets, double devon clotted cream, maple syrup, honey, apricot jam, blueberry jelly, golden shred marmalade, silver shred marmalade, fresh creamery butter, coffee, eight different teas, demerara sugar, orange juice, milk, apple juice, breakfast sausages, back bacon, side bacon, peameal bacon, kippers, oatmeal, Cap'n Crunch, Weetabix, grapefruit, and granola."

The Titans stared at the mountain of breakfast before them with varying degrees of astonishment, as Beast Boy turned around and started pushing the serving cart back into the hall.

"Beast Boy, wait, surely you will join us for breakfast." Robin said hastily.

"No, I still have many things to do in the kitchen," Beast Boy said, "I have to put more nutmeg on the turkey, and peel hundreds of potatoes. I hope you guys enjoy your breakfast. I just don't want everybody to be... mad at me..."

"Beast Boy, we're not mad at you, just sit down for a while." said Cyborg.

But Beast Boy shook his head, and walked sadly back into the hall, pushing the cart as he went.

Starfire looked at the magnificently-laden table, and grimaced.

"I am starting to feel like a complete _klorbag_." she said ruefully.

"I guess maybe we were too hard on him." Robin added.

"Well, if this breakfast is any indication, his turkey dinner should be spectacular." Cyborg said.

"Hmpf. I'll believe it when I see it." grumbled Raven.

The Titans started eating their Christmas breakfast. After a while, the distant clatter of pots and pans from the kitchen resumed.

Even Raven started to feel a bit guilty.

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(10:30am)

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The Titans had just about finished their breakfast, when Beast Boy reappeared at the dining room door, pushing his cart.

"Time for Christmas brunch." Beast Boy said.

He hurriedly gathered up the breakfast plates, and unloaded the brunch menu. Shrimp salad, cold cracked crab, sauteed scallops, grilled salmon tarts, lobster bisque, cantaloupe, celery hearts, cucumber sandwiches, and sparkling cider. Then he turned and walked back to the hall.

"Beast Boy, please sit with us for a while." Robin insisted.

"Yes, good Beast Boy," Starfire said, "please cease from your onerous and guilt-inducing labors, and join your friends for this fine fishy feast."

"Yeah, c'mon Bebe, enough is enough already." said Cyborg.

"No, I can't," said Beast Boy, "I still have to make the Christmas cake, and steam dozens of parsnips. I just don't want everybody to... hate me..." He sniffled softly and walked back into the hall.

Raven gritted her teeth, and put her hands over her eyes. "Aaagh, I can't take this anymore. It's too much pathos, okay I'm sorry I was mean to the little dork. This is hell, and I should know."

"We're _all_ sorry," Robin said, "Okay, here's what we'll do. When he comes back, everybody make a huge fuss over him, and tonight we'll take him out to see that new werewolf movie he's been itching to see."

"And I shall hug him." said Starfire.

"Oh, that would be good," said Cyborg, "hug him and pat him on the head, you know."

"Raven should also hug him." Starfire said.

"Whoa, I'm not _that_ guilty." said Raven.

The Titans started eating their brunch. The sounds from the kitchen continued intermittently, as if Beast Boy was struggling against exhaustion.

Raven stared down at her cold cracked crab. She closed her eyes, and inhaled raggedly. "All right. I... I _will _hug him. If you all really think it will help... But I'm _not_ patting him on the head."

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(12:15pm)

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Beast Boy wheeled the luncheon cart into the dining room.

Starfire intercepted him at the door, and wrapped her arms around him. "Beast Boy! Tireless and diligent food processor! Hail, and well met!" Starfire patted him on the head, and stepped aside.

Raven stepped up, and grimly hugged Beast Boy. "Um. Hey there, you little green Cuisinart. How about taking a break for a while?"

Beast Boy felt as limp as a ragdoll in her arms. His eyes were partly closed.

"Nearly blind... from the onion fumes," he rasped, "must get back... to the kitchen... before the carrots scorch."

Beast Boy pulled himself away from Raven, and lurched back into the hall.

"Well, I tried." said Raven.

"You should have patted him on the head." Starfire said reproachfully.

"Hey, I was going to. Sure. I mean, I was definitely thinking it over." Raven said weakly.

"That little guy, has gone above and beyond the call of duty." Robin said.

"Not to mention sanity." Raven added. Starfire glared at her.

"I don't mean that in a bad way. Um, I just mean that he's... crazy with dedication, yes." Raven said.

"Well, this cannot go unrewarded." said Robin, as he stood up and walked over to the telephone on the dining room wall. He dialed a number and waited until someone picked up at the other end.

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"Hello? Do you recognize my voice?

Yes, I got your Christmas package...

Yes, of course I liked it, who wouldn't like

a dozen WalMart tube socks?

Well, tell him I said hi...

No, listen...

No, I don't want to talk to

little whats-her-name...

Listen, Wayne Media Distribution

has a warehouse in Jump City, right?

I want a copy of every comic book

and graphic novel they have in their inventory...

Yes, and I want them delivered to the island, today...

I don't care how you do it, just pick up the phone

and make it happen...

Yes, of course it's important...

Yes, today...

Good, see that you do...

Yes, Merry Christmas to you, too.

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Robin hung up the phone, and walked back to the dining room table.

"Who was that on the phone, Robin?" Cyborg asked.

"Hmm? Oh, that was a wrong number." Robin said.

"Little weirdo." Cyborg muttered.

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(4:45pm)

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Beast Boy wheeled the Christmas turkey dinner into the dining room. There was a giant platter of sliced turkey, gravy boats, dressing, cranberry sauce, mint parsnips, mashed potatoes, creamed potatoes, ptarmigan vindaloo, acorn squash, butternut squash, brussel sprouts, toasted broccoli, baked carrots, onion rings, garlic peas, beets, portobello mushrooms, wild rice, eggplant, zucchini, figs, dates, pomegranates, fried bananas, and many other strange and wonderful things.

"I will be back soon, with more everything." Beast Boy said.

Robin and Cyborg stood up, and gently but firmly compelled Beast Boy to sit down at the table.

"You've done far more than enough today." said Robin.

"I would never believe it, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes." said Cyborg.

"Indeed, it is beyond miraculous." said Starfire.

"Hey, this really is good turkey." said Raven.

"Yes well, I should really go and slice some more of it." said Beast Boy.

"Oh, never mind all that walking, we'll just bring the turkey in here and carve it at the table." said Cyborg.

"Um, you can't do that." Beast Boy said quickly.

"Well, why not?" asked Robin.

"Um, because it's... too big to move." said Beast Boy.

"How can a turkey be too big to move?" said Raven.

"Um, it's a really big turkey." said Beast Boy.

"How big?" said Raven.

"Oh um, three or four hundred pounds, at least." said Beast Boy.

"That is one big turkey." said Robin.

"Um, yes. I had a hell of a time getting it up the stairs. Yes. My poor little spine will never be the same." said Beast Boy.

"A three or four hundred pound turkey." said Raven.

"Yes, well." said Beast Boy.

"How about that." said Cyborg.

"Um, I think I will go slice some more turkey." said Beast Boy, as he stood up and scampered out of the dining room. Soon the sound of clattering pots and pans resumed.

"I do not believe that there is such a thing as a four hundred pound turkey." said Starfire.

"Let's find out." said Robin.

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The four Titans crept silently along the hallway toward the kitchen. The sound of clattering pots and pans grew louder as they approached. Robin carefully opened the kitchen door, and peeked inside.

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The floor of the kitchen was littered with dozens of empty TV dinner boxes and frozen food cartons. Beast Boy was standing at the far end of the kitchen. He had tied several pots and pans to a broom handle, and he was shaking the broom handle vigorously.

Robin silently snuck up behind Beast Boy, and tapped him on the shoulder.

Beast Boy abruptly stopped shaking the broom handle. He turned around.

"Oh, hi Robin." he said, nervously.

"Beast Boy, what are you doing?" Robin said.

"Um, this is not what it looks like." said Beast Boy.

Robin smiled dangerously. "Really? Because it looks like you've been heating frozen TV dinners all day, while pretending to be hard at work cooking. And, it looks like you've been laying the mother of all guilt-trips on us."

"Okay, this is _exactly _what it looks like." said Beast Boy, very nervously.

The other Titans walked into the kitchen, and looked around.

"Hmm." said Starfire.

"Well, well." said Cyborg.

"I might have known." said Raven.

"He's such a rotten little sneak." said Robin.

"Well, he did manage to prepare lots of good food." said Cyborg.

"In his own lazy, sneaky way." said Robin.

"And in truth, there was no harm done." said Starfire.

"Let's kill him." said Raven.

"But, it _is_ Christmas, after all." said Cyborg.

"Absolutely!" said Beast Boy, anxiously.

"And the redemptive charm of Beast Boy, is his puckish humor." said Starfire.

Beast Boy nodded frantically. "Yes yes, the puckish thing, can't forget that!"

"Well, I suppose we could forgive him." said Robin.

"Sounds good to me!" said Beast Boy.

"Well, I suppose." said Raven.

" 'Tis the season, to not kill Beast Boy." said Robin.

Raven walked up to Beast Boy, and patted him on the head. "Merry Christmas, you little green goof."

Then Raven hugged Beast Boy. And then, she hugged him, harder.

"Raven, what are you doing?!" Beast Boy yelped, "Stop it, I can't breathe! Ack!"

Raven grinned vindictively. "Your poor little spine will never be the same."

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(Pause.)


End file.
